I was mowing the lawn yesterday, listening to Clyde Middleton’s podcast, when he started talking about House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Now, to illustrate how my mind works, when he started talking about Boehner, I started thinking about how tan he was at CPAC. Then I thought about how he says he doesn’t tan. Then I thought, “He must use a lot of Orange Glo on his furniture then, cause that guy is dark.”
“Wait a minute…that’s a great blog post.”
So here are ten politicians and the products they could pitch to America, starting with:
John Boehner / Orange Glo
I already explained this above, but really…it looks like he’s spraying this on his face. Don’t try to tell us you don’t tan, John. We can look at Roy Blunt, and back and you and see the difference.
Henry Waxman /Breathe Right “Extra” Strips
Not every man can get by with the normal, run of the mill Breathe Right Strips. Some need that little bit extra, and who better to tell those men about Breathe Right Extra than Rep. Henry Waxman:
Bill Clinton / Tide to Go Stain Stick
If there is a better man than Bill Clinton to tell you about the importance of instant stain removal, I don’t know them.
Joe Biden / Spray on Hair
Why bother with costly hair plugs when you can simply spray your hair back on?
Barack Obama / Blu Electronic Cigarettes
Hey, it’s tough to quit smoking, especially when you are the most powerful man in the world. So why try? Instead, switch to Blu. That’s what Barry did:
Hillary Clinton / The Nanny Cam
Why wonder what’s going on in your house when you can know? The new Nanny Cam keeps on eye things while your out, so you can see who’s doing what with who while your out doing whatever.
William Jefferson / Ziploc Double Zipper Freezer Bags
If you have something important going into the freezer, you could do a lot worse that Ziploc Double Zipper Freezer Bags. Ask William Jefferson. He used aluminum foil, and he got burned:
Charlie Rangel / Dominican Republic Tourism
Nobody knows about the benefits of a stay in the Dominican Republic quite like Rep. Charlie Rangel, so who better to act as spokesman for the Caribbean country than the man who faces ethics charges for not paying taxes on his Dominican Republic property.
If this picture doesn’t scream comfort, then I don’t know what does:
Eliot Spitzer / Ashley Madison
Why pay for trysts when you can simply set one up for free? It was the money factor that brought Eliot Spitzer down, and if he’s classless enough to pay call girls to have sex with him, then he’s classless enough for Ashley Madison.
Barney Frank / American Cornhole Organization World Championship of Cornhole
I don’t know if you know it or not, but Barney Frank loves him some cornhole. In fact, I heard that at one time, Barney had some professional cornholers staying at his house. Frank would be a perfect spokesman for the American Cornhole Organization’s World Championship of Cornhole. And yes, that’s a real group:
That’s the list. Tell me what you think in the comments. If you have any more, feel free to add them as well.